Thursday, December 30, 2004

random static noise

my mind has been tuned on this weird channel of static noise lately.

almost daily i find myself walking down the street, enjoying the sunshine and smiling while i experience that rush of feeling good and thinking "hang on, i really am living my dream. this is IT."

moments like that make me contemplate life and all this bullshit we go through on daily basis. the most important thing is to live. to live NOW.

today is all you have. yesterday was gone a long time ago and you'll never get it back. tomorrow is still a far away and you might slip in the shower tonight and break your neck before you get there. i see so many people who are either caught in the past or waiting for the future, it makes me sad. specially the few that mean something to me. i wish they snap out of it before they snap.

something in the recent past has been holding me back for a while and i realise that now. it's time to leave that pair of red shoes behind and go shop for a brand new pair with killer stiletto heels.

i have been going through the past two years and specially this year in my mind. a lot has happened yet nothing really has. i have been more successful than ever, yet i don't know if that's enough for me. this year has probably been the happiest of my life, yet i've been sad. how does that work?

this is the longest time i've been single in my life and i do think that it's a valid lesson for me. i feel more independent than i have felt before. i'm happy and complete as such, but i acknowledge the fact that there is more to life than this. i have finished processing all the bullshit from the past and if i was to meet an interesting person i could start something new from a clean table.

the next year is the last year i've planned to spend in sydney so the future has been occupying my thoughts a lot lately. i have no idea what i want to do after i finish my degree. i haven't even decided if i want to stay in sydney or if i wish to move back to finland. it's weird cause (apart from my family and friends) i don't really have anything in finland to go back to, yet at the same time (again apart from my friends) i don't really have anything holding me here either.

i feel rootless. (heh. pun intended.)

maybe it's time to cross off barcelona from my 'Places To Go To List[tm]" and do my masters there?

the weirdest thing is that i've started to think in finnish again. i wonder wtf that is all about? yesterday at work i accidentally bumbed into this chick while i was carrying some magazines and heard myself say "anteeksi!" instead of "i'm sorry". that was pretty fucken trippy since i haven't been using my native language for the past two years.

i wonder if that is some sort of a weird symptom of my mind subconsciously getting ready for the next big step?

2 comments:

Keku said...

There isn't past, future and now. only thing that exist is BIG NOW. If you have loved somebody 'earlier' it is still there, it is still. that love could come back. somehow yesterday is tomorrow. but what do i mean about love? huh, too big question to answer now here with letters(answers can be found in historie stories, movies, books - which are all the same strory: stories in your head). Suomi on äidinkielesi. Olet varmaan aiemmin ihastunut siihen. Tulet varmaan ihastumaan siihen uudestaankin. Mitä pakenit suomesta ulkomaille? itseäsi?

Anonymous said...

:: rohkea tyttö!
täältä käsin on niin helppo haaveilla avaavansa uusia ovia ja miettivänsä asioita uudestaan. harvat todella uskaltavat. näyttää onnistuneen sinulta ainakin! hyviä jatkoja ja hyviä päätöksiä vastaisuudessakin sinne.. -Hansu