good ole aussies...

heh. this is exactly why i'm such a big fan of australia. the ppl here are honestly fucked up and i luv it!

on an air nz flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. this is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."

as the plane landed and was coming to a stop at auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

after a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in adelaide, a flight attendant on a qantas flight announced, "please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."

"in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. if you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. if you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

after a real crusher of a landing in sydney, the flight attendant came on with, "ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until capt. crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. and, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

a plane was taking off from mascot airport. after it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. welcome to flight number xyz, non-stop from sydney to auckland. the weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. now sit back and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "ladies and gentlemen, i am so sorry if i scared you earlier, but, while i was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. you should see the front of my pants!" a passenger in economy said, "that's nothing. he should see the back of mine!"

[original article]