graduating

its silly really. having already done grad show once, it doesn't seem like such a big deal now that i'm doing it again. i mean, don't get me wrong, i am excited abt it. but... but its just not the same.

maybe its just the graduation last april that ruined it for me. i can tell you bunnies, it was the worst fucken day of my life. you know kinda like the average birthday, christmas or nye - its bound to suck.

big dates in my life as such have turned into this anticlimax that i dread beforehand. i know its going to be a disappointment and i know its going to suck.

...so what really happens is that i most likely make it happen all by myself by fearing it in the first place. i don't know.

maybe its this whole living on the wrong side of the world thing. the vital part that is supposed to make those dates for me is missing. and i don't have enough faith in people to expect someone else - who is not obliged to by blood connection - to step in and fill the void.

maybe i'll just get too drunk to notice. maybe i'll start with tequila shots before the guests arrive. just like last year. but for that i need muscles. he cheered me up last time... let's see if he'll be there for me this time.