revelation
something happened during the past few weeks. well, a series of scattered conversations really, and not just *a* thing.
loads of d&m conversations with my mates. somehow all these conversations came together into a revelation last night that i just heard myself say out loud in the middle of a yet another conversation.
i realized that there is some personal bs that i haven't for some reason let go. and more importantly, i realized how much it affects my behaviour in the present day.
two years ago, i prepared a pair of shoes for someone. a pair of shoes that were never filled cause they were too big, even for the person they were prepared for. of course i did not see it then. what followed was a very confusing year, when i ended up messing myself up quite a bit with my own expectations and hopes.
no wonder i am having such trouble tolerating other people's expectations now.
i thought i cleared it all out a year ago when i had my last revelation, but i dare say i just got rid of it instead of going through the issue. i know its lame as fuck, but now i can see why there are so many crap chick flicks built around the need of closure.
there was that one conversation that never happened.
since the pair of shoes never got filled in the first place, i seem to have left them on the table waiting for the next poor fucker to come along, when really i should have wiped the table clean. silly me.
today i had a talk with the frenchman. instead of parting our ways with a fight, i tried my best to explain myself. feel a bit better now. hope that he does too. it was good fun for a while, but not what either one of us was really looking for.
last night made me realise that it's not the cock in me that i need from a boyfriend, but the arms around myself. it's easy to share yourself when you're the king of the world, but it takes a lot to show your weakness to someone and even more to ask for help.
no matter how i want to be a cold, selfish scandinavian ice queen cunt, it's not that simple. hate to admit it bunnies, but i might have a heart after all. *sigh* a mere mortal. how boring.
so yeh, how's that for a start of the year?
loads of d&m conversations with my mates. somehow all these conversations came together into a revelation last night that i just heard myself say out loud in the middle of a yet another conversation.
i realized that there is some personal bs that i haven't for some reason let go. and more importantly, i realized how much it affects my behaviour in the present day.
two years ago, i prepared a pair of shoes for someone. a pair of shoes that were never filled cause they were too big, even for the person they were prepared for. of course i did not see it then. what followed was a very confusing year, when i ended up messing myself up quite a bit with my own expectations and hopes.
no wonder i am having such trouble tolerating other people's expectations now.
i thought i cleared it all out a year ago when i had my last revelation, but i dare say i just got rid of it instead of going through the issue. i know its lame as fuck, but now i can see why there are so many crap chick flicks built around the need of closure.
there was that one conversation that never happened.
since the pair of shoes never got filled in the first place, i seem to have left them on the table waiting for the next poor fucker to come along, when really i should have wiped the table clean. silly me.
today i had a talk with the frenchman. instead of parting our ways with a fight, i tried my best to explain myself. feel a bit better now. hope that he does too. it was good fun for a while, but not what either one of us was really looking for.
last night made me realise that it's not the cock in me that i need from a boyfriend, but the arms around myself. it's easy to share yourself when you're the king of the world, but it takes a lot to show your weakness to someone and even more to ask for help.
no matter how i want to be a cold, selfish scandinavian ice queen cunt, it's not that simple. hate to admit it bunnies, but i might have a heart after all. *sigh* a mere mortal. how boring.
so yeh, how's that for a start of the year?
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